Our Lady of Perplexed Incredulity

This journey has been less than spectacular in most ways, plodding along carrying the same old prejudices and preconceptions I've always had, still rebellious against the restrictions, angry, railing against the problems with 'churched' people and denominations, still upset about the perceived evils and errors in thinking I see in people who claim to be Christian.

Some of the people that I've argued and interacted with in the last year or so may have perceived (maybe this is wishful thinking) that I've grown quite a bit lately. If I have, I owe much of that growth to them, and I'm grateful for the impact they've had. I have certainly turned a corner, finding grace and joy at every turn all of a sudden. I am by no means finished, perfected, or "fully formed" as a newly dedicated Christian at this point. I am merely at the beginning, even after 40 years of being a believer. I've moved a long, long way from the time I began having these conversations on line and elsewhere. I find it hard to capture and characterize the changes, although I could probably produce a list. That list would not capture the sum total of the effects on my life, and that of my family, and what I see as our new future. I'm still at an uncustomary loss for words to describe all of this, but the change is almost monumental, even now. A different life entirely lays ahead for us than what might have.

Prelude aside, and to the point of this post; Recently, I've felt led, almost directly spoken to and educated by a series of "odd circumstances and conversations." From the direction of inquiry and almost single minded focus on specific areas of study, I've been given what I can only think of as perfect and timely responses in the form of peculiar dreams, particular teachings, and pointed examples and witness that have come as specific and definitive answers to my many inquiries and prayers. Not once, for a few hours or days, or on occasion, but sustained over months, and on the increase for weeks now, like a crescendo of insight and change. And no, to answer those who read that as just I did and thought..is this guy manic and about to come crashing to the ground? No, I'm quite sane. A crazy person would actually think God was at work in all this.

Through this process, I've experienced what I can only describe as an increasingly more urgent calling, or leading of the Spirit in a specific direction, teaching probably, ministry maybe, and maybe both. I've had the luxury of spending a LOT of time in the intellectual pursuit of understanding as much of the various soteriologies, confessions of faith, mission and values statements as I could possibly ingest, comprehend, and stand to read without my head exploding from taking in too much at once. This has only begun, as I will be studying formally, and in earnest pretty soon. I've found my long held beliefs in and among many of them, and have found some disagreements and concerns with and about some of them.

I've been angered, perplexed, and left incredulous by some of the things I'll have to release to God in order to follow Him. I've come to understand what a lot of things I've taken for granted actually mean, and gained some insight into how these ideas are related and have been developed. Some things are as small as differences in form, some that have seemed to me completely wrong and are clearly NOT what I believe, some that are confusing to unwind and differentiate. Some which look to me as though they stand firmly in the midst of the path I'm being called to follow. I'm sure all of that is a function of my own lack of religious education, and under-developed faith. The specifics are, for this conversation, immaterial, and probably a distraction from the main point.

The real point is the personal miracle of transformation from a merely intellectually wayward, "liberal", and semi-biblical thinking, distracted, semi part time, non-committed sort of believer, to a truly committed disciple of Christ. I know for sure, based on what's happened over my life, and what IS in my life, that I'm saved, baptized, and spirit filled. All that's a no brainer. What has come into focus so unexpectedly is the apparent demand that I commit myself to a specific church or body of believers and answer that insistent and demanding calling to service. If I were inclined to practice an amorphous kind of "mere Christianity", it would be fine to stay right where I am. Basically, to find a nice, simple, non-denominational place to fellowship and worship, and to keep learning as my passions and interests lead me. But that's not what I'm about or being led to do. Dang it.

The question for me has become; If, as I believe, I am being called, and if I am to commit the remainder and the totality of my life in service to God; then where, let alone how, shall I do that? One Kentucky dairy farmer with whom I am in fellowship hit the nail on the head when he mentioned that I seem to be up against a decision that will define my path and mission. I am nearly there. I can certainly begin the process in a general direction, without making any final decisions about the end point, but it would, I think, be better to know which path to walk before I set off in no particular direction. Ya know?

So, rather than calling yesterdays experience a test, I suppose it was an experiment. I went to one of the places, really THE place I had been feeling led to go. Without getting into denominational considerations and all, let's just say it was the least likely of all possible directions I would have predicted. Thus my resistance and reservation, I read, and listened, and sought out all the information I could find, and still am doing that. I waited with the idea in mind for days and in my dreams until I couldn't wait any more, and made the decision to just go.

I got a highly pointed, totally "coincidental" communication when I was on my way to the place. I prayed on the way, I prayed in the car when I got there and sat on the street out front. I didn't care who saw me, or who heard me. Several did, I suppose, but I didn't care. All told, I spent almost an hour in prayer, the last 15 minutes or so in deep contemplation and meditation on the question of service and commitment to God. I got out of the car, walked in to the chapel, and sat down. It wasn't expected, but when I went in, there were about 50 children there, practicing their little presentation for Easter services. I listened, and I prayed, I wept, and I got more and more of what I can only call "instruction". What's even more miraculous, I got healing. Right there, right then, without even asking for it, I was healed. I can't account for it in any other way. Quite simply, the healing occurred and I am relieved of it, forever.

Without going into detail, I walked away from there with what I can only describe as complete and permanent freedom from a burden that has hung around my neck for 40 years or so. All I was asked to do was claim it and testify to it. I'm claiming that victory, and I am rejoicing in it. It has perfectly blessed everyone I've mentioned it to since. Oh, by the way, I am completely free to express my faith and belief to ANYONE, at anytime, and in each case, it has been perfect. Not by my hand, I assure you, but by God's hand. It's been over twenty four hours now, and I know today that the Lord has taken that burden from me, entirely, completely, and forever. Hallelujah.

Now, it's all I can do to not think He expects something in return. I shouldn't worry, all He wants is the rest of my life, all my heart, mind, and spirit in service to Him, in a specific, structured, and committed way. No sweat. LOL

God bless and keep you,

James